Robin Hurd

 

Raising Independent Children

Whenever parents of special needs children are together, the topic of independence comes up. We assume that our normally developing children will grow up, move away, and be totally independent of us all too soon. But our children with special needs? We sure hope that they can one day be independent of us, but how do we get them ready?

In this month’s column, we will look at some ways we can help our children develop the character trait of independence now, so that when they are adults, they will be in such a habit of doing things themselves that it will be no big deal to them. Developing character is simply a matter of practicing skills often enough that it becomes a habit, or second nature. If you want the character trait of truthfulness, you must practice the skill of telling the truth over and over, so that it is comfortable for you to do so. And, more importantly to this column, if you want the character trait of independence, you must practice doing things for yourself so often that it becomes a habit.

For our children, the first step to this is AAC. Being able to use an AAC system to talk to people who may not understand their speech, signs or gestures is the starting point to being able to do things on their own. We can foster this as parents by not speaking for our kids, but having them do their own talking. Kids can use their AAC system food in a restaurant, buy things at the store, tell people how old they are, etc. and they will if we expect them to!

We can also give our kids chances to take the lead in conversations. Our family likes to play charades. Josh and Caleb like to take the lead in either telling us all whose turn it is or requesting that we act out something familiar (as opposed to the Ghenges Kahn scene that the older boys acted out, which no one knew enough about to guess!) Giving children choices is another way to let them take the lead. At my house, getting to choose what’s for supper is a special privilege that everyone, including the twins, gets every so often and on their birthday. Choosing breakfasts and snacks are also great ways to make choices—maybe not as much fun as picking what the whole family eats for dinner, but still a chance to practice independence. Even the simple question, “What do you want to do now?” is a way of helping a child to make decisions on her own.

Having jobs to do around the home is another good way to help a child become more independent. Even if a child’s physical impairment is substantial, with a little creativity we can find a job for them to do. Using a power chair, a child can carry the silverware over to the table, even if he or she can’t actually set each piece in its place. Josh and Caleb love to be responsible for putting wrappers from their snacks in the trash can. If your child has enough motor skills, wiping off the tray can be good job to have. At our house, even daily stretching exercises are referred to as “jobs.” Learning that doing their stretches is part of what we expect of them helps the boys to see themselves as people who are able to have responsibilities, even though most of the actual work of positioning for the stretch is done by others.

Another good way to use an AAC system to be independent is helping with the grocery shopping. Have your child make a grocery list---hooking the AAC system to the computer and printing off the list makes it even better. Have you ever had your child help you in the grocery store? I am amazed what Josh and Caleb can do with a power chair and a small amount of hand control! (Yes, taking children with power chairs into the grocery store to shop is not for the faint of heart, but it can be really fun to see the reactions of others when they see our cart lunging along under the direction of a 7 year old driving under the influence of CP! Eventually fear changes to admiration of their driving skills.)

One of the most important things we can do to help our children become independent is to practice the self care skills they will need to do as much as possible for themselves. Does your child have enough motor skills to pull open the microwave and put something in? Then have him prepare his own meal that way sometimes. Can your child help with transfers? Then expect her to. Even with the best of personal care situations, adults who use AAC sometimes find themselves without an attendant. Every self help skill we can teach and expect while our kids are at home will help make these tough situations easier. Even using the telephone is a skill we can practice at home that builds independence.

Practicing predictable social situations is important for independence, especially for children with Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Besides making phone calls, this might include meeting a new person, paying for purchases at a store, or going to a movie.

Another situation that we can practice with our children to help boost their independence is practicing what to do in emergencies. The other things we have done to help our children interact with strangers will help them out here as well, but it never hurts to be prepared for the unforeseen.

Independence doesn’t happen overnight. But the little things we do every day can have a profound effect on whether our children develop that inner character of independence, or the opposite character of learned helplessness. We as parents have the special opportunity to look long term as we work with our children. Teachers and other staff may change from year to year; we are the only ones who will be here 10 years from now. If we are intentional about it, we can practice the skills that will result in our children becoming young adults who are ready to face the challenges of adult life on their own, because they have learned the character trait of independence.

As always, your questions and comments are important! Feel free to e-mail me at parents@aacinstitute.org